Misunderstood But Never Forgotten

A genius of a man, visionary, artist, the ultimate performer. He was the Michelangelo of his craft. He did what he felt in his heart, yet the media ridiculed him and questioned his motives. They buried him long before he died. While people did him wrong, he was busy writing a song about the earth.

I just watched his This Is It movie and I envy each and every singer, dancer and musician that got to spend all those time with him. When he speaks, they listen. When he points, they fire up the lights. When he jumps, they beat the drums. It had to be perfect. They are at awe of his very presence because he was perfect. He did it with love and respect for everyone. There was no question of his genuine love and worry that the Earth is sick. The people are sick, body and soul. All he wanted was to heal the world. His message is clear. Love.

Everyday we hear performers say that they idolize him and wanna be like him. Greatness cannot be achieved by beating people up, getting hooked on drugs and trouble with the law.The Brittney Spears, Kanye West and the Chris Browns (sorry Andie), do not even respect themselves and others. We have artists that are so arrogant and difficult to work with. They are not even half as successful as he was, and yet they act like no one can touch them. These folks will be forgotten very soon but Michael Jackson, his music will live on for many generations.

Michael is love and love is forever. Earth Song by Michael Jackson

25 years ago, Michael, with Lionel Ritchie wrote We Are The World. This was performed by United Support of Artists for Africa (USA for Africa) for the benefit of the famine-stricken Ethopia. I loved this song so much that I would sing this to sleep.We Are the World 1985

This year, a new set of performers sang the same song in the same studio. This time to benefit Haiti. Michael is painfully missed in this performance but he would have been proud. We Are the World 2010

This is for Angie because of all the people I know, she loved Michael the most. She knew a good thing when she saw it.

Lost Love

As I felt the first chill of the season, I knew autumn is here. Otherwise known as the season of fall, it is my favorite. The sudden burst of the colors matches that of Spring, not with the flowers, but with the leaves. This is the time when God's supporting cast in nature shows their majestic elegance. The reds and golds that I have read about couldn't hold up a candle to witnessing its beauty in person. The best of the season can only be observed in two short weeks. Then the trees succumb to temporary death. But however parched and lifeless the trees look, there is a feeling of hope that they will soon awake in the glory of spring. Fall speaks in volumes and if we listen carefully, we may even learn a thing or two.

We go through life looking for our ideal person. And sometimes we find them. We love them and for a while they will love us back. But as seasons change, people change. When we lose the person we love to something or to someone else, we find ourselves sad, helpless and even devastated. Rejection is not an easy thing to live with. It causes turmoil with the human emotions. Some lose sleep, some are driven to insanity, and some would rather die. Loneliness can be a scary thing. No one wants to go through life alone. But there is a reason for everything. There is a plan and everyone has a purpose greater and bigger than ourselves. Love and life doesn't end with one person. Life doesn't end with the last leaf that falls. Hope awaits and it will be there when we are ready. And when we are ready, Love finds us.

We may not realize it, but we need to lose some to gain some. We get weak so we may get stronger. We lose love so we learn to love better. Our ideal person may not be so ideal after all. We only see these when we let go of our personal guidelines and go with life's flow. Faith in fate is a beautiful thing. The surprises it brings and the lessons we learn are precious, just like the season of Fall.
- This is for my good friend and brother Russel E.

We Laugh, We Cry, We Live

The sun sets in the west and the moon rises in the east.
Day after night after day.

The leaves fall in autumn, then the flowers bloom in the spring.
Year after year.

A rollercoaster takes you for a whirl, it twists and turns.
It’s always back where it started.

We smile for a while, then the tears and heartaches step in.
Promises are made, and then they are broken.

Always on the threshold, but It’s never-ending.
Some things never change.

Ray and Jude, this is for you my friends and for me.

Photo:Bleeding Hearts by Gira

Betrayal

One friend kissed you on both cheeks then threw you into the lions den.

Another threw dirt at you, washed her hands and denied you three times.

What to do?

Do you fall on your knees and cry why oh why? No.

You party like a ROCKSTAR because you still have ten friends who will keep the music playing and the drinks flowing! Rock on girls! The fun has just begun! Much love to you! MWUAH!

Photo: Judas Tree by csm2mk

A Manifestation

Have you ever been so happy that it feels like tiny drops of happiness are oozing through your skin?

Have you ever been so full of joy that a soft breeze seems to carry your soul like a kite in the wind?

Has your life ever been so uplifted that its history got lost in its own translation?

Has a promise ever been whispered so sincerely that the world stopped and paid attention?

There is never an end. Always a beginning.
It's complex, it's simple. It's called hope.

Light and Shade

Today I walk a little slower, today I am a little quieter
Today I say said goodbye to one of the nicest man
I ever got an opportunity to meet.
Our lives as complex as it seems to be
Is also as simple as it gets.
We all came to be the same way, and we all go the same still.
What we make with our lives will make the difference.

With your constant smile and simple words,
You have been an inspiration.
Rest in peace Daniel Felder.

The Bridge

She loves endless moonlit drives, and slow dances,
Star-watching and drawn-out lovemaking.
She loves long walks on the beach and hand-holding.
Watching movies, your arm on her shoulder.
Kisses. She loves stolen kisses dear.
A kiss on top of the bridge at Central Park.

Do not give her flowers on Valentines Day.
Give her roses throughout year, yes dear, roses.
Surprises. She loves them.
Needs them like water for chocolate.
She wants to be kept on her toes, wondering what's next.

She loves to smile. Make her smile, make her laugh.
She will smile at the thought that you want that smile. Need it.
Kisses at night and kisses in the morning when she wakes,
Bear hugs and red wine. Give it before she asks.
Not because you have to, but because you want to.
She will know the difference dear.
Joking about it will break her heart.

She wants to feel beautiful to you.
One look across a crowded room, one smile.
Leaves her breathless. She knows, she always knows.
She wants to be cherished, adored.
She needs to be loved like a woman should be loved.
Cross the bridge dear, love her and she will give you her world.

Dedication to Batch84

A Dedication to USC-GHS Elementary Batch84
Specially to L, N, M, R and C

We remember poking and being poked, hitting and being hit, being bullied, fighting and even causing a broken arm or a broken spirit. We remember the friendly competition in the vegetable garden and the SRA exercises in the library, the games we played and the cards we traded, the poems we made and the pictures we drew, the teachers we hated and the crushes we adored. We reminisce with a smile the years when we were so young, so carefree and media-agua meant something. Who knew that in our young lives, we had so many tribulations at home? We left our troubles behind when we stepped inside the campus walls. How did we make it though the difficult years of our lives? When we could have easily turned out dysfunctional, we had each other. We cheered for each others joys and wept for our sorrows. And when that day came to sing “Farewell To You My Friend”, we braved the cameras with fake smiles while our hearts grieved. We wondered what will happen to us when we go our separate ways. Would our lives ever be the same without our teachers, our enemies, our friends?

25 years of longing and wondering, once again we find ourselves in the midst of each other. Like a bolt out of the sky, we embrace the sweet thought that we never really left and we can’t wait to see you again. I never thought I would have a chance to say this, but THANK YOU RAKENROLERS FOR A BEAUTIFUL CHILDHOOD.

I LOVE YOU! –Anne P

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand “Today my friend slapped me in the face”

They kept on walking until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning but his friend saved him.

After he recovered from near death, he wrote on a stone: “Today my friend saved my life.”

The friend who had slapped and saved a life; asked his friend, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write in stone. Why?”

The friend replied: “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

Your hurts in the sand and your benefits in stone. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but an entire life to forget them.

Opt Out...

A friend said, "I'm ready for bigger and better things, short of questions, short of lies, short of games, short of insurance."

I understand the frustrations and I can hear the anguish.
Do not rush, take things slow.
Bigger and better things do not equate
To being short of lies, games or insurance.
In fact you will realize soon enough
That issues will only get bigger, lies get fatter,
And games, you will never be short of them.
As you mature and meet new crowds, friends and co-workers,
Do not forget what I say here.
Be accepting of what is now.
Working through it, easily or not,
Will prepare you for your future life and relationships.
You do not want out.
You just want it easy.
Dreaming should never end.
When you get what you wish for,
You should want more.
If you stop dreaming, what point is there of being?
There are no guarantees, only risks and accomplishments.
Then it starts all over again. It's a vicious circle.
C'est la vie.

Love and Marriage...

10 Years! 10 Beautiful Years!!!

Too often people rush into marriage without a lot of love, trust or endearment. Then there are those who can love forever without seeking to get married. The first will most likely not last for too long while the other will have the taste of each day like it could be the last. I got married after knowing someone for 10 months, and in those months I knew this is someone I can love forever. Opinionated as we both are, I knew that our marriage will not always be peaceful, then again it will never be boring. A clerk in Howard County, MD married us in 1997 and we had our wedding in Cebu in 2001. By making our vows to witness each others' lives, we promised that neither of us will ever be lonely or loveless. A simple description of heaven. Our son, our angel. To seek perfection in marriage is a futile cause since it will only bring disappointment. To accept individuality in a partnership is the key to overcoming challenges. Life without love simply put, is unbearable.

Beauty and the Beholder

I have noticed that the Filipinos who diss Philippines the most are the ones who have never even been around our BEAUTIFUL country. I am one of the lucky few that had a chance to travel around at least 30 major provinces before leaving for the US fifteen years ago. With all my options to vacation to other countries around the world, I still look forward to spending my one month vacation time in our country. Silly it may seem but I always feel that I haven't seen enough of Pilipinas, not even just Cebu which I am already very familiar with. I'd rather go to Panglao(Bohol) than Key West.

When an American friend had a chance to visit Cebu for work, he called me for guidance. My cousins made his short trip so memorable, that he actually called to tell me that the Philippines is one of the most underrated vacation spots. Food is great, lodging is reasonable, sites are beautiful, water is warm, and best of all, HE DOES NOT NEED A TRANSLATOR :) He is planning to take his whole family back to Cebu sometime next year.

Next destination for me would be Tacloban. Thanks for the suggestion Jim. I have been dreading to go back there since it reminds me too many bad memories of the Ormoc landslide which aftermath I had witnessed. This time, I think it will be a fun experience. I have got to see Imelda's Museum.

Other places I want to visit:
Batanes Islands
Burgos, Ilocos Norte

People, Fashion and Politics

Elections. People's Power. EDSA Revolution.

Unfortunately, IMHO, the promise died that same day in 1986. It also paved way to greed and mediocre leadership. It created a mockery of Philippine politics and it extinguished the future of the martial law babies. The same citizens who are flooding the gates to get out of our beautiful country.

I remember thinking back then, it is unfortunate Marcos got old. A dictator by any other name, but, he was the last of his kind. There is not one politician these days that can fill his shoes as far as commanding respect and can hold the same stature as a leader. He created a regime of the Philippine Heart Center, cultural awareness and world presence, technical high schools and the the Marikina shoe industry, major bridges and highways, Green Revolution and a Social Security System that actually worked. Most of which are still in effect up to this day. Over the years when the scale was tipped with graft and corruption, murders and false political imprisonment, all the good was simply or conveniently forgotten. Then it is all about the shoes.

The very people who got the most of being cronies quickly turned sides, handed him over and washed their hands. Marcos is the bad guy and they, the heroes. The whole Edsa situation empowered the people who feel that they can overthrow anyone in office. The result? Corruption happens in record time and in record magnitude. Our politics has become a miasma of manipulators, liars, thieves, kidnappers, and false media. The legitimate leaders and true visionaries are sidelined by the ones who can put on a good show. The politician that can do the best otcho-otcho wins.

I have never been big on blaming others for my misfortunes just like I do not blame Marcos for our country's downfall. The Filipino people as a whole need to stop pointing fingers. We need to take the blame and find it in our hearts how to make our country prosper again, and maybe one day the exodus will be reversed. To start, we need to take elections seriously. It is the single most powerful civil liberty that we take for granted. We need to vote for people who have strong platform and a good vision on where we need to be and know how to get there. Businessmen, lawyers, economists and even teachers have the potential. I have a real problem with boxers and actors who never even finish college running for public office. I have a problem with known criminals and philanderers being on the ballot. If they do not know how to run their own lives, how can we expect them to run our country? If they cannot follow simple moral laws, how can we trust them to implement our constitution? How can we look up to leaders we cannot even respect? How can we respect a leader who is mocked by a gay impersonator on TV regularly? Marcos would never have tolerated such travesty; neither would the late Garcia, Macapagal nor Magsaysay.

But what do I know? It is just one opinion. I believe the Tiger is only sleeping. I hope one day someone will rise in our midst and make us great again. We do not lack the potential. We lack focus and discipline.

Monuments in the Sand...

By princes shall outlive my powerful rhyme.
The monument I build, to men endeared,
Not biting rain, nor raging wind, nor time,
Endlessly flowing through the countless years,
Shall e'er destroy. I shall not wholly die;
The grave shall have of me but what appears;
For me fresh praise shall ever multiply. -Horace

Today, 3.24.07 is the 26th death anniversary of my mother, Niceflora Ortilla Paulin. I was nine when she passed, and my brothers six and four. She didn't leave monuments that would make people remember her long after she is gone.

Mama Flora. She made the best squash leche flan in the world. She would spend a whole Saturday morning cleaning the house so we could go to the beach in the afternoon. She had an amazing flower garden and planted cantaloupe and eggplant in the backyard. She played a mean volleyball and ruled in scrabble. She was as smart as she was beautiful, stunningly beautiful. She was called Gloria Diaz by many. I remember holding on to her tightly because men were whistling at her as we walked by on our way to school.

Mrs. Paulin. She was a teacher. An English teacher who bought me books instead of toys. She was one of the best I was told. The best students almost always came from her class. The school sent her to Diliman to get her Masters Degree. That was where she spent most of her last couple of years. She came home after completing the program to celebrate her 34th birthday only to die a few weeks later. It was also graduation week. At the ceremony, a few her students fainted and it was said that they saw visions of my mother who was honored that day.

Being a parent now, I cannot fathom how I made it without her all these time. I remember going to PTA meetings for my brothers when I was in fourth grade while I attended my own meetings. Other parents felt so sorry for me. But I remember at that time it only felt appropriate. I missed her during those times. I missed her at my graduations, my teenage and college years. I missed her more at my wedding, my pregnancy and my son's birth.

Today I miss her the most. During the mass this evening, I felt a familiar wave of tingly feeling that somehow, she never left. Outside the church, I saw the first daffodils of spring and the first butterflies, her symbol and favorite creatures. At times, I still find myself talking to her, whispering my doubts and troubles like she can help me out of them. In a way, she does. My life's decisions have mostly been based on considering things that would make her proud of me.

I was at a party a few months ago when I met a woman who told me I reminded her of someone the way I looked when I spoke to my son about giving me his best behavior. When she found out my maiden name, tears filled her eyes. She told me she used to be my mother's student. She went on to tell me memories she had of her favorite teacher, her strength, beauty and wisdom. She also told me that she tries to emulate my mother in her life. This blew me away.

I guess I am wrong. My mother built monuments after all among the hundreds of students that she taught in her young life. She built three with me and my brothers. The kind of monument I hope I can one day pass on to my son. I hope I make her proud. Niceflora. Nice Flower.

The Man and his Faith

My lolo, my guardian in Cebu, was a man of faith but he was not religious by any means. He could've told you specific verses of the bible but you couldn't make him kneel in church or go to confession. He believed in God but would only kneel to Him and asked for His forgiveness. No middleman required. He was a man way ahead of his time. He was a modern man of honor, truth and the ultimate sarcasm. He refused to let politics corrupt him.

When he got very old and very sick, people around him tried to get him to say his final confession. I rallied for him since he didn't have the strength anymore. Although their intentions were good, taking advantage of a frail man to do what he does not believe in was for me unacceptable. Though he could no longer speak for himself, the look in his eyes spoke volumes.

When he finally died in 2004 at age 89, hundreds of people came to his wake and funeral. He passed away on April Fool's Day and was buried that Easter Sunday. How fitting for a man of faith and of humor.

Hours later, his grandchildren invited 200 of his family and friends. We threw a party for him. Lots of his favorite music, food and drinks. We made a slide show celebrating the terrific life this man lived. The life that his grandchildren share and very few others understand. One by one his grandchildren and his great-grandchild testified how he has enriched our lives with his own. The life of a man who in the 1930's wrote in his journal, "If you must have religion, don't leave it behind, inside the churches and at the altars of your homes; take it with you wherever you go. Don't just utter or mumble your prayers; live by them. Don't be religious for other people; be religious for yourself. Others may mistake you as irreligious but that does not make you one. Religious appearances are most often fanciful than factual. If you believe in God, don't try to understand Him; pray that He understands you."

Happy Birthday Beloved. You are forever missed.

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit,full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall. Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.

Thank you Max...

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment; it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Playing the Angel: A Depeche Mode Concert

My date with my favorite person started with a few rounds of shopping, dinner, and then to a concert I have anticipated for almost 20 years. The opening act by The Bravery was forgettable. Almost hurting to the ears that we both left our seats and had a few beers. The main attraction started with a magnificent display of production engineering at its best. The first beat of "Pain That I'm Used To" brought the audience to their feet and stayed there until the last note of the night. Their new album reminded me how dark yet original this band is. With all the imitators, there is not one out there like them. Their music and words are seamlessly in synch with the musicians. The new songs are a complete relief from the lesser appealing "Exciter" which was almost unnoticed in 2001. "Precious" how precious and "John the Revelator" proved that they still have what it takes.

There are a few of songs on the "Playing the Angel" album that I wasn't too keen of, coincidentally, both were sung by Martin Gore. I guess my ears are just biased to Dave Gahan's voice. I almost cringed when Martin sang "Somebody" which is one of my favorite DM single. The old hits bought back fresh memories of old school hangout and escapades. "I Just Can't Get Enough" almost brought the house down but I stopped breathing for "Personal Jesus". This song is up there on my top 10 list. This is the first album that I bought and they sang it like it is the best song in synthetic music history. This made up for all the hits that they didn't play. The fans raved for two encores and stayed to applaud a few minutes longer than usual. For a band which is continuously recreating itself, they know that the alternative synthetic style is how they can bowl their fans over.

As Dennis drove us to the bar to meet our donors singing the wrong words and a terrible rendition of "Personal Jesus" I knew he enjoyed it as much as I did. Thanks Nic and Jen for the tickets! And thanks Steve for babysitting!

Light and Darkness...

As the priest lit the candles on the Advent wreath, I reflected on what Advent is all about. I remember my favorite song as a child that goes, "It is better to light just one little candle than to stumble in the dark." Advent is about preparation. Preparing for a season of joy as we celebrate the birth of our Savior. Though it is so much better to light the candle of change and preparation, it is so much easier to curse the darkness. It is easier to live the life of hatred and anger rather than changing the situation. To my great friends, good friends and not so good friends, this Christmas candle is for you. May there be peace in your home, love in your hearts and good health to us all.

Cause and Effect II - Lost Love

As I felt the first chill of the season, I knew AUTUMN is here. Otherwise known as the season of Fall, it is my favorite. The sudden burst of the colors matches that of Spring, not with the flowers, but with the leaves. This is the time when God's supporting cast in nature shows their majestic elegance. The reds and golds that I have read about couldn't hold up a candle to witnessing its beauty in person. The best of the season can only be observed in two short weeks. Then the trees succumb to temporary death. But however parched and lifeless the trees look, there is a feeling of hope that they will soon awake in the glory of spring. Fall speaks in volumes and if we listen carefully, we may even learn a thing or two.

We go through life looking for our ideal person. And sometimes we find them. We love them and for a while they will love us back. But as seasons change, people change. When we lose the person we love to something or to someone else, we find ourselves sad, helpless and even devastated. Rejection is not an easy thing to live with. It causes turmoil with the human emotions. Some lose sleep, some would rather die, and some are driven to insanity. Loneliness can be a scary thing. No one wants to go through life alone. But there is a reason for everything. There is a plan and everyone has a purpose greater and bigger than ourselves. Love and life doesn't end with one person. Life doesn't end with the last leaf that falls. Hope awaits and it will be there when we are ready. And when we are ready, Love finds us.

We may not realize it, but we need to lose some to gain some. We get weak so we may get stronger. We lose love so we learn to love better. Our ideal person may not be so ideal after all. We only see these when we let go of our personal guidelines and go with life's flow. Faith in fate is a beautiful thing. The surprises it brings and the lessons we learn are precious, just like the season of Fall. - This blog is for my good friend and brother Russel.

Cause and Effect I - Death

I learned early that there is a reason for everything. I also learned that there is a loving God who listens to me. An older relative told me when I was a little girl that I am close to heaven, meaning God is so close he hears what is in my heart. Things happen to me, some good, and some bad. My life while borrowed from my children is an opportunity to give back to those who have given me so much. Each day is a celebration. Every tomorrow is an effect of what I do today. Each event is a cause for something greater. I may not completely understand, but with faith, I have peace of mind.

Fate has a funny way of working itself out. Looking into the future is tricky, yet looking back explains everything. My mother's death made me very bitter at nine years old. But this is why I am so close to my father, brothers and cousins. It made me realize how precious family and friends are. It also made me wiser with my decisions in life by always considering what would make her proud. Now being a mother myself, I want to have a relationship with my son I wish I would have had with her had she been alive. It is sad to hear some friends complain about their own mothers. Some even learn to hate. Once I asked a friend if she would trade mothers with me if she dislikes hers that bad. Had she said yes, she can have my dead mother.

Friends and family are assets that cannot be traded nor sold. Petty arguments and unnecessary bickering are wasted emotions. Pride and anger, both cardinal sins, make us easy targets. It destroys relationships and burn bridges. All the worldly wealth cannot buy us love, or even peace of mind. Usually, we do not realize what treasures we have until we lose those whom we love, family, friends and even enemies. It is only in death that we speak of their value. They are in our lives for a reason. Fate has a funny way of working itself out.

Too young to die...

They are all kids sent to die meaninglessly. I have yet to see a 75 year old soldier whose time has come to die in Iraq. I get weekly emails of 5-15 kids who died the week before. I pray for, email and support their mothers. And for those who are still making it, I sent packages of phone cards, stamps, candy, holiday items, blank greeting cards, and items to remind them of home. I support 18yr olds who email me not knowing why the hell they are still in Iraq for, I tell them stay strong and pray hard. What I really think is that the lives and money already spent is not worth it. But that is just me. I am sure the president is aware of his own agenda but sons and daughters are dying each day for a cause not their own nor believe in anymore.

I am anti-war yet I do not know the solution. WAR CASUALTIES

April Fool's Day...

Today is April Fools' Day. First death anniversary of the single most influential person in my life. Before age and smoking defeated him, he reminded me that in the event of death, we grieve only for ourselves for we are no longer in the company of those whom we love. Today my heart grieves. Today I look into my son's eyes and hope that one day he grows up to be at least half the man I named him after. Papa Ton, you will never be forgotten.

Working at home...

For the nth time tonight, I have been told that I am so lucky I ONLY work at home. I have a full time job that operates out of my home. I am also a full-time mom. My day began at 9am and I have been working nonstop til, what time is it? 3:39am EST. Since hubby had to work 12 hours (end of the month sales), I had to do both our share of chores. Three loads of laundry, beds to make, cleanup a little (I do not cleanup a lot), breakkie, lunch, dinner, snacks in between, trips to karate classes, endless ringing of the phone, fax machine is never done and six clients to take care of. My son has a friend sleeping over, gave them a snack, read them a book and tuck them in. Hubby comes home close to midnight, I heat up the food and spend some time catching up. He sleeps while i finish some work with the rare peaceful time. Can I be reminded again how lucky I am? Little toes just snuck in my office to tell me I can't possibly love him more than he loves me. I am not lucky, I am blessed.